Bad metaphors are like old rusty curtains blowing in a hail storm.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) July 3, 2012
Hi welcome to the grocery store here in the produce section you'll find fruits, vegetables, and the other shoppers that you'll awkwardly keep seeing in every aisle the rest of your time here
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) July 30, 2018
IDEA: edible paint for starving artists.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) November 6, 2012
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll post Instagram shots of him holding fish in Patagonia gear for life.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) August 25, 2016
You can learn a lot about a person's appearance just by looking at them.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) December 15, 2011
If curiosity killed the cat but cats have nine lives, does that mean we have too many idioms about cat death?
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) August 2, 2012
Added a comma to the sign “NO, TURN ON RED” and it’s cut my commute home from work by 90 seconds every day.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) March 1, 2019
"This isn't my first Rodeo." - Isuzu brand loyalist at the used car lot.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) September 10, 2012
nobody knows this but i've been italicizing the periods on all my emails since 2012. it's a little "easter egg" for my lucky recipients to discover.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) June 5, 2019
My 2016 new year's resolution is the same as it has been the past 18 years - find Nicole Brown Simpson's real killer.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) January 2, 2016
You know when you get to one of those pistachios that's significantly harder to open than any other one? Just throw it away. Life's too short.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) November 26, 2018
Last night my daughter figured out that if we say it's too late to play hide n seek she can go hide and we pretty much don't have a choice.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) December 9, 2015
He died doing what he loved most - making toast in the bathtub.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) March 29, 2014
My dad wasn't around much when I was a boy, but he left behind a closet full of No Fear t-shirts that taught me what it means to be a man.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) May 21, 2014
Didn't see the first 57 minutes of this NCIS episode but it seem like things are wrapping up nicely.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) September 3, 2014
B E F I i . a decomposing capital b
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) August 5, 2014
Baristas have one of the largest cool-sounding-title:shitty-job ratios.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) October 14, 2011
I don't particularly want to do heroin but the process of getting it ready looks fun if any addicts are looking for a right-hand man.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) January 27, 2016
*scrolling netflix past 100s of films that thousands of people spent years of their lives pouring in energy to create*
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) March 4, 2017
Me: These all suck
Who named it an iPhone charger and not Apple Juice?
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) May 29, 2018
Movember is great, but I prefer the lesser-known grow-your-hair-for-charity months, like Octobeard and Jubes.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) November 28, 2011
I bet getting something stuck in your teeth is a great way to kill 5-10 minutes in prison.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) April 12, 2011
Crab meat must be sincerely flattered by now.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) September 12, 2011
If I seem depressed or withdrawn for the next few months, it's because we're locked-in to a 36-roll package of terrible toilet paper at home
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) January 22, 2012
Shooting free throws: the only thing in life in which failing is consistently rewarded with high fives.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) March 13, 2012
Crying babies: we get it, you're hungry.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) April 2, 2012
Had a gangsta wrap for lunch. All beef.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) September 18, 2012
The self-checkout line at the grocery store should just be a aisle of mirrors.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) August 24, 2016
I feel like my Subway sandwich artist was just kinda going through the motions tonight.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) October 8, 2013
I can't beat the level in GTA V where you stop playing and go to bed at a reasonable time because you work in the morning.
— Joe Stefanson (@jough_stef) October 1, 2013